Awakening to a New Reality - Part 3
Meditation first thing in the morning. Twenty minutes of silence and mantra. I had learned Transcendental Meditation last summer and it was easy to get back into the groove. It felt good!
After just a few days of meditating, I felt better and was able to get more distance between my thoughts and begin to see things more clearly. Sleep was still an issue though. I had trouble falling asleep and my mind was whirling with all these thoughts I was trying to examine. One night I just couldn’t sleep, so I got out of bed and went into the living room and turned on the TV and grabbed my laptop. I had gotten a message on my laptop that my disk space was getting full, I had to remove some old files or pictures. Since I was up with nothing to do, I started deleting stuff from my hard drive. About 2 am I clicked open a filed called “Writing Projects” and there were several folders with the names of books I had started and not finished. I sat there and looked at it for a minute. There were several creative projects I had started and stopped. It hit me hard. How long had I been doing this? It was a familiar feeling. I felt guilt and shame, remorse and beneath it a twinkle of enthusiasm. It felt like how I felt about diets. I cringed. I began to feel that panicky feeling and had the urge to delete all the files to erase them from my life like they didn’t exist! But, there was too much of me in them, too much effort and heart. I couldn’t do it. So I opened each one. I sat there for the next hour just looking through the files. These were like un-birthed babies. This weight and body image was opening up into something bigger. This was about more, much more.
“Procrastination is like a credit card: It’s okay until you get the bill.” – Christopher Parker
I opened the Body Belief book folder and inside I saw files for each chapter, other files with images and outlines. I had completed 9 chapters, over 40,000 words. Each chapter had images, graphics, and annotations. It was seriously organized. I was impressed with myself! The date: 2012. Here it was 2017 and I was back here again. Looking at this issue. TRYING to look at this issue again. I knew that I was on to something. What I couldn’t figure out – what was stopping me. I had to uncover it!
The idea of being the watcher seemed the way to go. I had to look into these thoughts and discover what was going on. Why was I repeating this behavior in so many areas of my life? I decided to print out all the chapters of Body Belief and also the original book written in 2008 (which was more of a workbook) and see what I could learn from all the work I had done. The next day I copied the files onto a thumb drive and took it to Staples and had printed it all printed. I brought it home and started reading. I was blown away with how good it was! Everything I read was right on, exactly what I needed to hear, the truth about the diet industry, the truth of our own innate body wisdom, the FOS and the VOS and how we need to re-wire our brains from the old fat mentality to a new belief system that owns own innate wisdom, and vibrancy from our true source. It was good!! I was taken back that I had all this knowledge, yet just a few years later I was entirely back in the FOS and fighting to find my way out again. I was excited that I had this wisdom and devastated that I couldn’t use it in my own life. It was a difficult day. Again, I had to sit with it and decide what to do next.
What I did next was slip back into an old habit – DOING. Somehow during that discover I slipped away from my watcher/observer self and back into my old Modus Operandi. I decided I would finish this book and it would become my next project! I would use this book to be the next thing that I could loopback to Becoming Zia and loop forward to Body Belief. I moved into my hyper-organized doer self and began making lists and coming up with ideas how to present it to the world. I created a timeline and a launch date. I bought a domain name and set up a WordPress website. One of the files I had found was an informational videoI’d created that explained Body Belief (although I hadn’t finished it, of course!). I went to work on the video and bought a microphone to do the voice over. I learned how to use the microphone and then decided I would do a podcast too! Oh yes, I had this all figured out! First I’d finish the video (watch it below) and then I’d start on the next thing – the process of Body Belief. Yes, that’s it!
Who was I kidding?
How could I work on that when I didn’t know how to do it for myself! Was I crazy? So I had to pause again. I stepped back from this all and thankfully was able to get a little space to become the watcher for a minute. I could see that I didn’t have the answer for other people, the person I needed make this work for was me! But I had no idea if I could!
I pulled back for a couple of days. Then I did a very out of behavior thing – I went to the cannabis store. Yep, that’s right I decided to get high. Strictly medicinal, I thought I could break through whatever this block was and that marijuana might help. Seriously. I had been reading a lot about it because I had been considering investing in marijuana stock since it was becoming legalized in California, I had heard that it was a good investment. The uses were so varied and treated so many illnesses, one being anxiety. I called the doctor and talked to her about the use of cannabis for anxiety and creativity. We had a long talk and she recommended I go to a website called leafly.com. Which I did. After some more research, I went to the dispensary with my medical marijuana card in hand. I learned about CBD and decided to try a combo THC/CBD drop. Just a few drops under the tongue. The people at the dispensary were helpful and knew their stuff. It was quite an interesting adventure.
It took me a few days to get up the nerve to use it, but I did. I took three droppers full, the recommended dose. Then I went into my cottage and meditated for 20 minutes. I wasn’t feeling anything, but I decided to start writing. Before long I was writing about the chakras and how that could be included in Body Belief and that each chakra was connected to a life area. If the area was disconnected or blocked then it could be an issue. If the chakras were balanced then an opening might occur which would let a person see their own divinity and could connect them with their wisdom body. It seemed very profound. I immediately started working on it. I got out my book and the section on creating a new VOS (Vibrant Operating System) and connected the seven chakras to the seven life areas I discussed in the book. It was all making sense and I liked it!
Part 4 coming next week.
Know Yourself • Be Yourself • Live it Like Crazy!